Feeling All The Feels


IMG_9512

I’m not usually a feeler.

My emotions are normally kept under a fairly thick skin that regulates all the little feely things that I witness so often in the big wide World.

Look, I’m no robot, but it takes a lot to get me riled up good and proper.  (Unless it’s my kids, they know exactly which buttons to push.  Seth too actually.)  Or overly emotional scenes like the Lorax coming back down from the sky and seeing the little trees grow again – let’s just say that my cry reflexes are strong and less willing to be controlled.

If you cut me off in traffic – so what?  Unless you have caused an accident, it means more time that I can sit and sing along to the radio.  You pretend not to see me in a shopping centre?  No worries, best we save ourselves the awkward conversation you clearly don’t want to have.  Any status on social media ever.  Not everyone thinks about every single person they know and how their status will affect their individual lives before they post it.  They shouldn’t have to because really, it’s not about you.  Stop taking things so personally.

Even dropping my kids off after the holidays didn’t induce a waterfall of tears, or even one for that matter.  Not that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy the holidays, it’s just that it doesn’t really bug me.  I know that they are happy and that’s good enough for me.

Life is too short to be caring about the things that don’t actually matter you know?

Anyway, back to feely things.

I met up with a few of my girl friends on the weekend and I had the conversation that I’ve been having a lot lately.  Whether or not to have another baby.

If we met up for coffee I’d tell you the same thing.

“We’ve always wanted four.  Yes it will be crazy.  Yeah maybe I have lost the plot.  I’m not really thaaat broody anyway.  You know, I can actually hold a baby now without wanting to run away with it and keep it as my own forever, who even knew that was possible?!  I know right – school fees are the MOST effective contraceptive.  Plus all the other things they need.  I still want to live comfortably without having to worry about money all the time, I don’t think having another baby will help that.  And also, I was SO sick with Riya and Knox – I HATED being pregnant.  Should I even mention what happened to my skin – oh my word.  Yeah, I don’t think we will be having another baby.”

And yet I found myself driving home and feeling all the feels.

Hopeful that it was possible, panicked that it would really happen, worried about money, happy that our family would be “complete”, scared of the pregnancy, horrified at the school fees, nauseous at reliving morning sickness for 9 months, sad at the baby weight, joyful at Knox being a big brother.  And despite all these haphazard mix of emotions I couldn’t help but feel a little hole emerging that I thought I had covered up.

A little baby sized hole.

13 thoughts on “Feeling All The Feels

  1. I hear you! I tend to get broody on a cycle it would seem. having a new baba every 5 years. Why do you think we have just got a new puppy 🙂

  2. I have 2 kids one 16 and the other 5! I would have another in a heartbeat if it wasnt for my illness ….. someone once told me “every baby has their own purse” and how true isnt that!? the money just appears for nappies and then just disappears once they a fully potty trained 🙂 You are an amazing Mom any child would be sooo blessed to have you 🙂

  3. Cindy your post made me smile with nostalgia … i know that feeling… i would love baby number 3 but yes all the worries and feelings and everything that comes with it does sway my mind but then…. the want just starts all over again…. these kids don’t know just how much they’ve changes our lives for the good!

  4. Yup i was pretty broody a while ago …. I have two little boys and hubby really wanted a little girl and so did i (my house is filled with trucks trains and every shade of blue ) the thought of pigtails and pink was so exciting .Until we came across what i like to call “the best contraseptive ever” …….A hormonal teenage girl.We had a beach holiday with family , my 16yr old teen cousin.cousy made the girl from the exorcist look like an angel….. It was enough to recognise how greatful i am for my two boys – i always thought i was suppose to be mom to a little girl.i think ill be a fantastic aunt to obe instead xxxx

  5. I’m in the same boat!! I so badly want a 3rd baby but I’m so worried I won’t be able to afford it. All the swimming, dancing and football lessons. It’s a lot now let alone with an extra one 😦

  6. I tell you, I am not broody at all. I think twins just maybe cure all that. On a side note – I am the same you are re emotions and tears. Often I ask myself if maybe there is something wrong with me? Now I feel much better knowing at least you are the same

  7. Such an honest post about all the feels – and so well put Cindy. We all have this struggle at some stage – some with their first or second or fourth. In my case, it is for my third – to have or not to have?! x

  8. I can’t relate to the wanting another baby thing.
    Not after Hannah. No ways. Nope. No chance!
    But I related to this and I LOVED it! Especially after an incident yesterday:
    “Any status on social media ever. Not everyone thinks about every single person they know and how their status will affect their individual lives before they post it. They shouldn’t have to because really, it’s not about you. Stop taking things so personally.”

Go on, tell me what you think...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s