I’m Scared Of Big Decisions


Let me just start off with a little apology for being a bit scarce for the last couple of days.   It seems that, unbeknownst to me, I have become a bit of an ostrich – you know the whole bury your head in the sand thing – well, that seems to be me right now.

Besides the photoshoot that we had at our place on Wednesday (which went really well by the way) and which took up a whole lot more of my mindspace than I thought it would, we are also in serious discussions about selling our house. Which is huge! Like massively, gigantically huge!!

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If you didn’t know, this house that we stay in was my childhood home.  So basically since I can remember till now (excluding one year of marriage out on our own in our bachelor flat) I have lived in this house.  I know it’s crazy.  It’s funny that the first thing people ask me when they find out is, “What’s it like staying in the house you grew up in now that you have children growing up in it?”  To be honest I hardly ever think about it.  It could be because I’m just over it, or because my memory is so shocking that I often forget that I ever stayed here before.  But it also most likely because we have changed pretty much everything about it and made it more of our own space than it was before.  I didn’t even think that I even felt remotely connected to it (I’m just not normally sentimental like that).  Until now, in view of selling it and never being able to come back to it again.  I suppose that’s the real thing.  Giving it up and never coming back.

In a way it’s a great move.  Much better area, slightly bigger house for us, better schools, parks, opportunities, space and money put into the new house would be money put into our “forever home”.  In theory (besides a few little problems like my parents having to downgrade their living space by half and this new place also needing an upgrade) this place is really ideal for us.  Like really.  Like really really.

And all of a sudden I can’t think of anything else.  I can’t do anything else without thinking about it.  The only way to switch off my mind is by watching mindless TV or going to sleep.  Which is what we’ve been doing because it all just seems too much to think about.  So that is why I haven’t been sitting behind this little laptop writing about things.  Because I am scared of those things.  SO very scared.

I think the phrase used in these kind of situations is, “Rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t“.  You see, we know this house of ours has problems.  And you know what, it’s got some problems too!  (Name that movie)  Probably more problems for us because Seth’s mind is always in overdrive about how to make it awesome, than what a normal family would find problems in it.  But nevertheless there are loads of things that need fixing.  But it’s ours.  It’s familiar.  We know what the problems are and when we had enough money we were going to kick those problems in the ass.  But moving means that we are venturing into a whole new space of problems.  Unknown problems.

Every couple of hours I change my mind about what we should do – buy it, not buy it, buy it, not buy it.  It’s a rather annoying cycle of unanswered questions and assumptions.  I’m kind of over it, which is why I am writing this post.  To get it all out and thought out in my head – it’s quite incredible how writing can do that.  So very therapeutic.  Which is exactly what I need.

I know that this move is the right one, for our family and for our future.  I also know that there will be severe hurdles that we will have to cross as a family and extended family (my parents) and this process will be far from easy.  I know this.  We know this.  And even though my parents know what this new house hold for them, they are happy for us.  That’s right…  You read that right.  They are happy for us.  Encouraging us to pursue this because of it’s future opportunities.   And I love them so very much for it.

So basically, I think we’ve come to a point where we are going through the process to say goodbye to this little old house for a new little old house.  To see where we get and whether it will all work out if we put all our effort into making it work.  I think it’s going to be a good move for us.

I think…

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