Slight Disclaimer – This post may make people angry, but hopefully I have not been a loser about it. I just feel like it’s something that I want to say and if I don’t say it now I never will. It is not addressed at anyone in particular, but just describes what I have come across at various places that there have been other Moms.
Ever been in a group of expecting Mom’s? No? Well, ever been in a group of Mom’s that have just had a baby? I am sure that you would have discussed the same question – “So, how was your birth experience?” and then found out, as I have, that people can be so very difficult. I don’t mean that in a rude way, I just mean it in a “I have no energy to argue with you about why forcing your opinions on me is annoying” way.
You’ll find them in every Mommy group, I’ve narrowed them down to 4 different groupings to make it easier:
The All Natural Mom’s:
These Mom’s are the ones who look at you funny if you tell them that you’ve had a c-section, and if you tell them you had an elective c-section you are in for an hour long vomit of information of why this was the worst thing that you could have done for you and your baby. How dare you have chosen this option. These are the ones that make every other Mother feel bad because they didn’t try and endure the pain and agony of childbirth – because obviously – drugs are a no go zone. Well, a lot of natural Mom’s I’ve come across have been like this.
The Elective C-Section Mom’s:
These are usually your very well prepared Mom’s. Organised and ready for anything. They chose to have a C-Section to know when the baby was coming and thus be properly ready or they decided that they didn’t want to push a watermelon out of their woman bits – and who can blame them. In general they will readily give you the reasons why they went for the C-Section without really trying to prove that they are “right”.
The Emergency C-Section Mom’s:
Some Mommies try really hard to have natural birth, only for it to end up in an emergency C-Section. These Mom’s can be split into 2 sub groups:
* The Mom’s who would say that hated their birth experience and are mad that it did not happen the way it was supposed to because they so desperately want to be part of the “natural Mommy” group. These Mom’s rarely see reason and get irrationally upset when naming all the reasons why it should’ve/could’ve/would’ve been a natural birth.
* The Mom’s that have accepted the situation and have moved passed the fact that this may not have been their first choice, but they got a beautiful baby out of it who is healthy and alive.
The Mom’s Who Go With The Flow:
Thankfully I know many of these Mom’s personally. Because most people have an idea of what they want for their birth experience, they get a bit miffed if it doesn’t happen. But they are out there – those Mom’s that did whatever was necessary for the baby to come out healthy and safely, without concern about what they wanted as the Mom.
Now, before you get all agro and up in my face about the way I have described these groups, I know that not everyone is exactly the same and everyone’s situation is different and that they may react differently to what I have described above. But I have met a butt load of Mom’s in my 3 short years of parenting and this is what I encounter the most. What I absolutely cannot stand is people who are self-righteous and make other Mom’s feel bad about the way that they gave birth to their bundle of joy. I’m all for an opinion, because we all have one and that’s perfectly right to have. But STOP forcing your opinions on everyone else, because it’s not necessarily right, it’s just your opinion.
The reality is that everyone is different in what they can and can’t handle, what their home situation is like and what they are equipped to deal with. Who are you to tell them what must work for them?!
As Thumper is about to enter into this world in just 9/10 short weeks time, I have been mulling over what I “want” for my “birth experience” (that sounds so hippy). The truth is that although I managed to have a natural birth with both Kyla and Riya-Ray (with loads of lovely drugs), all that I am really concerned about for this birth is that Thumper arrives safe and sound without any complications. We’ll try naturally, because as long as I’m kitted out with an epidural this is actually what I would prefer, and if something happens and it ends in a C-Section, then so be it. As long as my baby boy is here healthy – that’s all that matters.
If there is anyone out there reading this that is pregnant – There are 3 important things to consider:
- Make a birth plan if it will help you to feel more at ease with what is about to happen to your body and if it will help you to feel more relaxed going into the process. For me a “birth plan” wouldn’t work because I would just be really upset if it didn’t work out to that plan.
- Don’t be forced into doing something that you don’t want to do just because people tell you that’s what a good Mother should do.
- Be open to the reality that it may not go exactly as you have planned, the earlier you make peace with this the better.
And that my friends is just my 2 cents on the matter. I am sure you have 2 cents to comment to – so please feel free to do so below.
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7 thoughts on “So What’s Your “Birth Plan”?”
I’d love to comment… but think I should refrain… 😉
Now I’m curious… why the refrain?
Great Post! Things like this are still very much on my mind, three years on, but because I still want more kids, I will continue to think about. I was an elective..plain and simple. I worried, I stressed, I mulled it over. When faced with opinions like au natural birth plans, there were times I felt like I could be missing out….it was right for me, and as I say to people who are opinionated…it was not just a selfish choice, it was something my gynae agreed with. I dont really mention the fact that Ive had two stomach surgeries before my c-section, I dont talk too much about why I couldnt settle with a we’ll just wait and see. Lilys birth was wonderful…I CHOSE a c-section and as it happened, she still suffered a little trauma in the birth with her first apgar only 3/10 – in the delivery room it became very clear very quickly that my elective had been the right thing to do. Future babies…I have thought about VBAC…yes, there is a little part of me that wants to give it a bash, although I dont know how successful I will be because MY body has been through a lot! I dont ever want to have to live with the fact that because of an opinion I risked putting my child in jeopardy…hence, the wait and see is a great approach- at the end of the day..a birth is a birth..I am no less a mother because of how my daughter was taken out my body..the bottom line is I AM A MOTHER, and my daughter is happy and healthy, some people seem to forget that! Thanks Cindy, for a thought provoking post, interested to see what other moms say!
I hear you girl. As a first time preggy lady all the opinions and thoughts can be so overwhelming that the decision becomes daunting and stressful rather than special and personal. You land up fighting the urge to please people rather than choosing what works for you and baby. I have nothing against any birth method and have decided simply to try go with what I always imagined I would go with, but at the same time I trust that my gynae knows better than I do.
At the end of the day no one asks you whether you were a natural or c section birth when you go for interviews. They also don’t ask whether you were breast fed, bottle fed, co-sleeping, own room, dummy sucker etc. Why…because it doesn’t really matter, it doesn’t shape who you are as a person. I don’t think you can spoil your child’s future if you don’t do everything 100% natural.
We should thank the Lord that he has provided alternatives to bringing a baby into the world safely and keeping them happy, healthy and alive.
Huge thumbs up for this!!!!
Oh Cindy, what a great post! I have never given birth, nor am I pregnant (I have watched a birth though- it was fascinating). I could probably be described as one of those slightly strange ladies who is intrigued by child birth and knows a decent amount (by means of book-learning and NOT experience) about it. I also have MANY lovely preggo friends whom I care about deeply, so I’d like to put my 2 cents here 🙂
I genuinely feel for the women who don’t get the birth experience they dreamed of. While I agree with comments above – that the most important part of the experience is meeting your baby, I understand that having a c-section, when you dreamed of a natural birth, can be upsetting to mamas. These mamas deserve to be loved and heard and supported by those close to them while they come to terms with their birth story; however, I don’t believe they should take it upon themselves to scare other ladies who may have differing opinions on various birth choices, especially if these ladies are pregnant.
Can I say that I believe that tone and choice of phrase make a big difference. If you experienced something traumatic that you believe telling other mamas may help them avoid going through the same thing, tell them with love and gentleness and in a manner that is helpful. Don’t tell them that you ‘thought you were going to die and you’re pretty sure you/your baby/your partner was traumatized because of it’. This doesn’t help anyone, because as you know, no 2 birth stories are ever the same.
And can I just add, if you’re not in their inner circle, perhaps its best not to tell them at all 🙂