How Parenting Can Turn You Into Bear Grylls

 I don’t know if you’ve met my husband, but he’s a funny guy and should take full credit for coming up with this post.

How to make everyday parenting situations turn you into Bear Grylls (Because what man wouldn’t want to be him?!):

Sleeping with the kids in your bed: Equips one with the ability to sleep on a tiny surface area, without the ability to move while acclimatising to freezing temperatures (due to the removal of your blanket). This will help greatly when stranded on a tree branch in the Arctic.

Potty training: Equipping one with the ability to stop whatever they are doing, grab a 10 – 15kg object and run a fare distance to an enclosed space. This will be useful if ever stranded in the dessert with an approaching sand storm, grabbing your belongings and fleeing for shelter/safety. And even if that shelter was filled with the foulest smelling poisioness gas, you will have super natural immunity to its death like characteristics due to your intensive training.

Your child nagging for something: This can only result in an intense tolerance for verbal torture. Particularly useful if ever one is held captive in the hope of attaining state secrets or attempted brain washing.

Feeding your child: Equipping parents with the ability to succesfully take care of a irrational, unwilling, self destructive person. This will be useful if ever one has to save a traumatized hostage from years of torture and brain washing.

Removing an annoying toy from the presence of your kids: This enables one to have the ability to create a necessary, convincing distraction and to use of ones surroundings to conceal objects of various sizes. If left to starve in an African landscape, this will prove very useful when removing an egg from a vultures nest or quietly pinching a fawn from a herd of wild wildebeest.

Stopping your kids from fighting: Becoming an expert in conflict resolution. Not really relevant for a real man, but women tend to prefer men who “care” about world peace.

Keeping your kids clothed and happy with essential toys: This helps to remove the need for luxury and over indulgence for ones self, giving one the ability to be content when stranded with nothing but your own human hair for company – for months, out at sea, on a rock.

Not being able to sleep in or at all: This one is self explanetory, since terrorist’s and wild creatures are always on the prowl.

Taking your children to the shops: The excessive use of peripheral vision and heightened hearing ability while carting a large amount of goods – the benifits for which might be self explanatory, but one thing that should be noted, is how heplful this will be when infilltrating an enemies lair, secretly, while poaching their weapons of mass destruciton.

Kids leaving their toys all over the floor: This equips one with the ability to walk stealthily in the dark without injuring yourself on a Lego block or tricycle. Tremendously useful when sent unwillingly blinded folded through a mine field, while your enemies giggle at your apparent imminent death. To which you respond by laughing at their stupidity and escape before their very eyes. Also very useful for hunting lions in the wild at night.

Bathing the kids: The ability to capture, clean and prepare a slimey, wriggly, slippery creature. With this training one will gain the art of fishing only wild bears were thought to perfect. Bare handed fishing leaves the catch untamed and fresh, a delicacy that one would normally only dream of when stranded in a mountain range with bears.

Dressing your children: Similar to bathing,  however this can heighten your ability to capture your prey with subliminal persuasion and reverse psychology. Good for hunting/tricking foxes, rabbits, terrorist’s and yeties.

Making baby noises: The ability to conjure non-human noises with ones voice aparatus. This skill can be taken to any life threatening situation. It all centres around the logic of , ” if it doesn’t sound human, then it cannot be human”. Using this, it will without a doubt perplex any creature, leaving them confused and in a state of disarray. This would be a great time to mix in the various abilities you have accumulated within your arsenal. One could use the potty training technique and flee the scene with your belongings, or use the bathing ability to capture and kill your assailant.

Playing with the kids toys: Preparing the mere human body for many unnatural and super human acts. The list is seemingly endless, however, I have chosen to zone in on a few. My guideline of interpreting these ‘silly’ acts for destruction will hopefully spur you on to apply it to many other toys. It is always good to fill your arsenal with random “harmless” children’s toys, as you never know when or how you’d need to save or kill someone. Hoola hoops, manufactured for centuries – however if perfected, the act can be used to wriggle yourself out of ropes, the clutches of large henchmen or sinking sand. Jungle gyms, large and usually prohibited for access of humans above the age of 12. Ignore this, zone in on the monkey bars, it will equip you for holding onto a helicopter in flight for hours. Lastly, painting with finger paints, useful for mapping out an enemy lair to save hostages, or kill terrorists, which is imperative for good battle tatics and teamwork.

Watching the same movies over and over: Being able to recite Finding Nemo – if you can then rip it from your memory right now, resist it, it is useless and unnecessary. Having the ability to erase memories will help you tremendously if ever captured and become the victim of attempted brainwashing.

14 thoughts on “How Parenting Can Turn You Into Bear Grylls

  1. This is hilarious 🙂 We had Munchkin in bed with us the other night. Hubby and I slept stiff as two planks on either side of her the entire night. It was NOT fun.

  2. Seth:

    You’ve obviously got a handle on this parenting thing. I laughed many times while reading your post. You’re a gifted writer with a great sense of humor. I hope you’ll visit me sometime at Chubby Chatterbox. I have a feeling we might have a lot in common. Take care, and thanks for the fun read.

    Chubby Chatterbox.

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