I realise that in my update post for the 13 weeks I may have sounded a bit melodramatic about the blood tests and given a bit of an ominous feeling about it all. So as we finally have the blood tests results back I thought I might as well document the last 2 weeks of worrying. I wrote this little section straight after we got home from the scan…
26-03-2012, 8.30am. I waited very patiently for this scan for the last 6 weeks. It was the scan to check the Down Syndrome possibilities. I wasn’t worried about it, we are both young and we’ve done this twice before. I was just so looking forward to another opportunity of seeing how the little bump had grown and see those fingers and toes!
Before going into the scan we did the usual tests: blood pressure (normal) and weight (flip!) then it was off to do the scanning. I knew that he was taking very long, and checking for the same things over and over again. But it took me a while to realise that this was probably a problem, I was so busy looking at the little baby that had grown so much and looked like it was hiccuping. So sweet.
So why was it taking so long? Basically the fat pad at the back of the neck is very thick, too thick to be normal. He kept measuring and re-measuring. Then he kept checking the heart, over and over again and saying that he sees the nasal bone. All of this meant absolutely freaking nothing to me, I was now worried about the heart because he kept going back there without really clarifying what he was seeing… Or not seeing. Only near the end did he reveal that the pad was very thick, but that all the other signs with the heart and nasal bone were good. He told me to go and relieve my bladder so that we could do the urine tests and that he would have the results in his office when I was done.
We go back to his office and he revealed the statistics of it all. I like that. I can work with numbers in my head, sort of. Basically with the girls, our age and their lack of fat pad put us into the 1 : 941 category – this means very unlikely. Now we are in the 1 : 78 category after entering the details of the fat pad. Despite the nasal bone presence and heart normality the odds stayed the same. In my head this means that there is still a very real risk of a Down Syndrome baby, but that it will at least have a healthy heart and a bit of a nose? The next step is a blood test which will shed a bit more light, but not really enough from what I can understand (we find out the results to this on Wednesday). The only real definitive answer is to do an amniotic fluid test. We saw the pictures of the procedure and besides the chance of miscarriage of a healthy baby being 1 : 200, I am not so keen to have a big fat needle stuck into my tummy and so close to my precious baby.
The Doc’s view is obviously to terminate. For us it’s not obvious. It’s not even a consideration.
I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling, except that I randomly burst into tears every 10 minutes. A termination is not an option at all. Ever. The Lord is obviously putting us into this situation for a reason and He is ultimately in control. I know that these words that are being said to me over and over are supposed to be comforting, but I am not comforted. I am scared. I am worried. I feel sick to my stomach and it’s not only the morning sickness. What happens if the Lord really wants us to have this baby, and he/she is in fact Down Syndrome. I don’t know how I feel. Would I treat him/her the same as my “normal” children? Will I be able to cope with all of the extra factors that this will bring into our lives? At the moment I don’t think I will be able to. And what about this little boy/girl?! What about the life he/she will lead? Why did we selfishly want a 3rd baby that now has to suffer with this problem for the rest of his/her life?! It’s my fault.
Thankfully writing things out and chatting to supportive family and friends does my mind good. Left to myself, and Google and I could have a real pity party. I know that despite the outcome whether it be positive or “negative”, I will love this child no matter what and he/she will be dearly loved by the rest of the family and our friends. He/She will be a blessing to us and to people that get to know him/her. So come what may, this baby will be loved, respected and adored.
Since writing that we have waited 2 weeks. There were just no results. The gyne was constantly busy. Then, unable to wait any longer, we called before we went on holiday last week so that we could have a bit of peace on holiday. It turns out our gyne was on holiday too… We then had to call the stand in gyne who called us back with the rests and guess what… They did the wrong test! I still have a bruise on my arm from the last test! On Thursday last week we went back to redo the test.
Yesterday afternoon I get a phone call from the Doc. My heart was immediately in my throat, I almost couldn’t breathe. He says that we got the results back and it is good. We are now in the very low risk category again (roughly 1 in 1100!!). I can’t tell you the weight that left my shoulders, it really has been playing on my mind so much. Even though I knew that whatever the turn out may be, we would get through it and the baby would still be loved and adored so much, I was really scared that this might actually be what the Lord wanted for us. The only negative is that the fat pad is still thick and this could be an indicator that there could be heart problems – at the moment nothing obvious but we need to just keep an eye on it.
I am so relieved right now. At the moment I am not so concerned about the heart because at the last scan everything was developing as it should. Praise the Lord that he answers prayer and is so faithful even when I am not!