You’re Not Allowed To Die

This morning I had the most realistic dream I have had in a very long time…

When I came home from work, my mom was waiting for me in the lounge with the girls.  She just walked up to me and said, “Seth’s dead, time to move on”.  I refused to believe it and went about my day as I usually did thinking he had just gone away on a business trip.  The next day I came home from work and the kids were hectic, so I called out for Seth, over and over and over.  But he didn’t come…  Then I realised that he would never come back because he was in fact dead.

Then it hit me like I had smashed my face and heart into a wall.  I started screaming at my mom and anyone that could hear me, crying hysterically.  Shouting and mumbling that I can’t handle this, I just can’t cope.  Why did he leave me?  How could he do this?  The girls are going to grow up without their dad.  A hole opened up in my little world that cannot be filled by anyone else.  All the while the thought kept running through my head that I can’t cope, I can’t cope, I just can’t cope.  He can’t be dead.  I need him, we need him.

I woke up and the tears just flowed.  I looked over to see him, but he wasn’t there…  He had moved to Kyla’s room during the night because she was crying and had fallen asleep.  Eventually I heard his snores coming through the baby monitor and I realised only one person could snore like that.  Only then I realised it was only a dream…

Even just remembering this has put a sick feeling into my stomach.  But at the same time, it was a reminder that no matter how many times I tell him he’s not allowed to die, sometimes you just can’t stop it.  How important it is to make the most of every second that you spend together as a couple or as a family.

I love you so much Seth.  And remember – you are not allowed to die.

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